My DH came from a family of angry people. Anger was freely and frequently aired in their household. (My family was just the opposite - emotionally constipated, maybe - and to this day, I have difficulty expressing anger unless I'm so furious that I just can't hold it back any more.)
I had heard from DH's children that "Dad has a temper," but I had never witnessed it until we were engaged, with maybe two weeks to go until the wedding. Then he had a screaming fit about something that seemed incredibly trivial to me at the time. I wondered, "What the bloody Hell am I getting myself into??"
But it always seemed to me that behind the largely irrational temper outbursts, there was a genuinely kind, sensitive and caring person. I still believe this is true, and we have been married for nearly 20 years.
But there have been times - not that many, but significant - where it seemed to me that he went absolutely berserk about things that struck me as relatively trivial. I used to think that this was because of childhood traumas. (Everybody has childhood traumas over one thing or another, don't they??)
For example, early in our marriage, he went stark, raving mad, in a screaming fit, over a roll of misplaced Scotch tape. I pointed out that it was no big deal to walk across the store and buy another one. But no - he continued to rant, rave, and scream at me and the kids for three or four HOURS, until the tape was located. I thought for years that maybe he had lost something as a small child and had been either severely punished for it, or threatened with terrible punishment, and that this was why he comes unglued if he misplaces something. (He has often said he remembers very little about his childhood.)
But now I wonder - could these fits of rage have been due to blood sugar highs or lows? He has never gone to the doctor very often; he is a great believer in "toughing it out." But to the best of my knowledge, nobody has ever said that there was anything irregular in his lab work until recently.
Any enlightenment would be appreciated.
You could be correct on both counts
ReplyDeleteeven with a family that expresses their anger freely, it can be difficult to learn to express anger in a productive manner
it sounds like he may have not learned to do that well
And, maybe he did have a bad childhood experience about his belongings...
AND, maybe he was having either a severe low- or high-glucose moment at these moments when he went crazy
that was just the triple-whammy!
It doesn't mean he is good or bad - just may be an explanation
it also doesn't mean he is allowed to do it in the future
it does mean you are permitted to wonder aloud to him that you noticed these things and wonder whether he has noticed that or not...
if he is feeling well he may be able to hear you and talk about it
or not
good luck
Over the years, when he gets like this, I just refuse to engage. I turn around and walk away. There's no point in throwing gasoline on a fire.
ReplyDeleteHe is a lot calmer now. He can even look back on some of these episodes and laugh at how irrational they were. He knows that I will not interact with him when he acts out like that, and he has learned that it doesn't get him anywhere, so the temper tantrums have phased out quite a bit.
Thanks for the input!